FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
