hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
