we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
