My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
