Barsexuality is the new black.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
