He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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