so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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