she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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