please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
