grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
