My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
