I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!