I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
