I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize