Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
