I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
