There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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