Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
