Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
