Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
