Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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