why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
