Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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