Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
