this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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