Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
