from now on my penis is your penis
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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