Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It's official drugs can't kill me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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