Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
