Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
