I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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