Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
