he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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