Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
