my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
