3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
