Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
