I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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