Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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