I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
