His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
