Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
