Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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