Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
