Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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