Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you will always have a special place in my vag
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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