Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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