Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
