just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
