Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
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It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
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I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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