you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
