Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
