I want you more than these girls want KFC
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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