My room smells like vodka and shame
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
