Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
