i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
