So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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